you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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