Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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