It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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