The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
