I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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