So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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