I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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