Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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