May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You need Xanax blowdarts
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
