i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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