You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
FUCK WHALES
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