Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
