Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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