ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I only lived at night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
