You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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