I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
