plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
