mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
