You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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