I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
