I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
