the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
