I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
