Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
