i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
