Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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