Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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