Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No subtext here. People are naked.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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