he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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