This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
