marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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