Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
