Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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