I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
