I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
