I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
