girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
