I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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