p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
