I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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