Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
