Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
