i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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