1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
