I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
