it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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