Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
