There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Randomize
