I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Randomize
