You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
