Pappa wants mamma naked
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
