Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
