I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
